Executive Amplification

I ran across this term, Executive Amplification, recently in an article in the Wall Street Journal and latched on to it because it clearly identifies an impactful phenomenon for leaders. The impact can be positive, but unfortunately, it can also be incredibly negative. Executive Amplification refers to what occurs when you come into a senior leadership position. Your behavior begins to be scrutinized in ways you never imagined. The people around you are watching your dress, your behavior, what you joke about, what you laugh about. They hear your words of encouragement and your unintentional slights with greater amplification than you could ever imagine. I say "unintentional" because, so often, your intentions are not what are seen by those you lead or influence. As such, you can only rely on them so far and so long before you lose credibility because of your behavior.

Linda Parker Hudson of BAE Systems tells about a time shortly after her promotion to lead the U.S. division, when she told her direct reports of her intentions to increase responsiveness to e-mails. To her surprise her direct reports were sleeping by their blackberries to respond to the e-mails she would send in the middle of the night. Needless to say, she had to curb her behavior of sending late night e-mails to relieve their stress.

Don Soderquist, retired COO and Senior Vice Chairman of the Board for Walmart, and a friend whom I worked for for several years, tells of the time when he was first promoted to President of Ben Franklin Stores. In a meeting he made mention in passing how helpful it might be to have the data to demonstrate a specific aspect of the business. In no way had he given a directive to anyone. Nevertheless, to his complete surprise, he had a comprehensive report on his desk shortly after the meeting. Mentioning this to one of his colleagues, he was reminded that his words and gestures were now being viewed differently that ever before.

The worst aspect of this Executive Amplification is when it begins to have a negative impact on other great leaders. I witnessed one leader whose personal morals were questionable, but who had been able to get good results in the organization he served. When he took over as the senior executive of a particular division of the business, I watched in amazement at how quickly so many people who had previously demonstrated strong moral leadership in their personal lives and relationships set these high standards aside and got caught up in the immorality that was being demonstrated by this executive. Marriages were destroyed, families broken up, jobs were lost because leaders were having affairs with their subordinates, felonies were being committed and reputations were obliterated. Under the previous leadership in this organization, this kind of behavior may have been present, but it was minimal. I was struck by the impact that a single leader can have.

Not all Executive Amplification is a bad thing. It can actually be used for positive effects. As the previous example demonstrates, when the previous leader exhibited and demonstrated strong personal moral fiber, so did his subordinates. His behavior, reinforced by his speeches and actions, helped create a values-driven, family-friendly culture.

As senior leaders, the people in your organization are paying attention to your every move. They are determining what is important to you by watching what you do, who you hire, who you promote, who you demote or terminate, what gets your attention, what makes you laugh, what you say and whether your actions are consistent with your message. As one of my professors in graduate school made clear, You cannot not communicate. All of your behavior is communicating something all the time. You are always on. This is especially so for senior leaders and executives. It is critical that you are certain that the message that is being delivered is the message you are intending to communicate. Otherwise people are left to draw their own conclusions.

Too often, due to the lack of feedback or personal failure to be socially aware, leaders are blind to what they are actually communicating. That is where an Executive Coach can be helpful as they help you identify the blind spots and develop strategies for knowing what you are communicating, and for improving your leadership effectiveness.

Exceptional Leaders are Strategic Thinkers: Frank Broyles on Strategy

Though I am Texan with a fondness for the Longhorns, I have become an avid Razorback fan, and as a result, a fan of the entire Southeastern Conference. I have enjoyed the privilege (because of my association with Cameron Smith & Associates) of participating in the monthly luncheons of the newly formed Arkansas Razorback Touchdown Club where we have great camaraderie with other fans, listen to great speakers and get a little insight from players, coaches and sports analysts.

Today, I had the privilege of hearing Coach Broyles. I have heard him speak on many occasions, and I believe today, he was a strong as I have heard him. What impressed me most today came as a result of my current focus on Leader Development and Executive Coaching. One of the things that is required of the successful Executives is that they must be strategic thinkers. My experience is that many executives get so busy with their focus on the immediacy of the current tasks that the tyranny of the urgent eliminates their capacity for strategic thinking. Not so for the leaders of Razorback sports over the years. Frank Broyles told two stories today that helped me appreciate the strategic thinking of those that have led this enterprise.

When ask what the most significant defining moment was for Razorback Athletics, Frank (after pausing to consider the defeat of Texas in Austin) pointed to his predecessor, Coach Barnhill, who later became Athletic Director. He told the story of how Coach Barnhill, in the 1940s realized the uniqueness of the Arkansas situation. His challenge was to build a world class, competitive sports program in a university that was situated off in the Northwest Corner of the state, and in a state with a very small fan base potential. Coach Barnhill knew that in order to move the program in the right direction, it would require an energized fan base. He developed a strategy to gain the loyalty of those potential fans. He focused his attention on convincing the radio stations across the state to exclusively air the Razorbacks games, instead of those of the Razorbacks and the adjoining state competitiors. That strategy paid off as fans throughout the state rallied around those radio stations to support the Razorbacks. Additionally, the Gazette newspaper took on a similar focus. It wasn’t long before the fan base was unlike any other in sports. The strategy was paying off. Coach Broyles said that when he came here from his stints as a coach in Georgia and Texas, he was amazed at how a state of so few people could rally such support for its teams. That is when he made his decision to focus his efforts on getting the top job.

Of course, getting Coach Broyles to Arkansas was a pretty good strategic move as well. Not only was he a great coach, he was also a great strategic thinker. Maybe it was his mentor and predecessor that instilled that leadership trait. He described the thought processes behind the decision to switch from the Southwest Conference to the Southeastern Conference. As a leader who allowed himself time to step back and think strategically about his business, he could see both opportunity and threats. He saw major league sports come into states like Texas and dominate the headlines and erode the fan base away from college sports. He began to consider what might happen should this continue, or should Texas decide to leave the SWC. That is when he made the tough decision to transition to the SEC, (not a popular decision among most of the fans). Most fans today applaud that decision as having made an incredible impact on Razorback sports, which today boast a program that only states of two or three times the fan-base population can boast.

Are you taking time to step back from your business to think strategically, to get yourself out of the tyranny of the urgent to consider the Strengths, Weaknesses, Opportunities and Threats for your business, and what you are going to do about them? There two ways to make this happen. One is to force yourself to block time for the process. If you don’t make time for it, it will likely never occur. If it does not occur your competition may pass you by, or you may lose your job. Secondly, you will have to develop your people to take on the responsibilities they are capable of, so you can take time necessary to look two to three years out and consider what needs to change in order for you or your company to stay on the trajectory of success.

By the way, your people are capable of much more than you think, but that is a topic for a different discussion.

The Art of the Question: Avoid the Destructive Hooks

Did you . . . ? Do you . . . ? Don’t you . . . ? Why didn’t you . . . ? Why don’t you . . . ? etc., etc., etc..

Have you ever worked for someone who had the knack of asking questions such as these, and all the while, you knew that he/she already had their mind made up as to the answer they wanted. Or, they ask the question as a means of scolding you for not thinking like them in the first place? Sometimes I wonder why these leaders hire other people. Why don’t they simply just do it all themselves? Or, if they already have an answer, why wouldn’t they outline what they wanted beforehand and tell others to get it done, rather than wait for the outcome different than what they wanted, then ask these types of destructive questions?

These are what have often been referred to as “loaded questions”. Whether intentional or not, these questions are often loaded with hooks attached to the end, i.e. “Why didn’t you . . . ?” And the invisible, unspoken hook at the end is “Stupid”! Rather than truly offering an opportunity for an explanation for your rationale in the decision making process, they often leave you feeling totally disrespected and incompetent.

I’ll never forget one executive asking me why I was documenting a plan for increasing the pay for one of our female managers. His question “Why would you do that?” The tone of the question and the inference was that such documentation was a stupid practice. Thus the hook: "Why are you doing that, stupid?" He went on to question my competence as an HR executive by pointing out that such documentation could be subject to deposition in a law suit. It was obvious that he wasn’t interested in my explanation that this practice would be exactly what would keep us from losing a discrimination lawsuit, because it documented both our intent to find and correct such problems, and it outlined our strategy for making this right and bringing her pay in line with others in similar roles and skill levels.

The arrogant leader will find this entire article ludicrous and blame the hearer rather than examine themselves.

The Exceptional Leader, however, works hard to master the Art of the Question for two reasons. First, they try to hire people smarter than themselves, and are very inquisitive about their thoughts, ideas and processes. They know that not everyone thinks like they do, and though they may have an idea about what they want done, they want others to bring their unique abilities and talents to the table to improve on the process. The more they ask open ended questions with an inquisitive mindset, the more they learn, and the more they appreciate the talented people in whom they have invested so much.

Secondly, these leaders know that the best way to lead a person is to help them discover better solutions. They use the Art of the Question to help people look deeper and analyze further. Rather than simply telling the “right way”, they ask questions that lead others through the process of discovery. They know that if the person is told, there may be compliance, but there is little learning and little commitment, but if people discover solutions through a deeper analysis, they have learned something new and their commitment is much stronger.

The next time you encounter something that frustrates you about the work of a direct report or subordinate, rather than reacting with one of the easy questions that has the invisible hooks, pause and consider a new approach. Ask the person to walk you through their thought, decision-making or problem-solving processes. You might actually learn something. If the answers are still inadequate, you have an opportunity to ask additional questions that will lead them to further discovery.

Exceptional Leaders and the Paradox of Power

True power requires modesty and empathy, not force and coercion, argues Dacher Keltner, Ph.D (professor of psychology at U.C. Berkley.) But what people want from leaders—social intelligence—is what is damaged by the experience of power.

That is the opening paragraph of an article written by Keltner entitled The Paradox of Power. Throughout the article Keltner describes his research that pits the Machiavellian approach to power and leadership to what I would describe as more of a Servant Leadership philosophy. The Machiavellian approach suggests that power is strategically acquired and sustained through force, coercion, manipulation and deception. The Servant Leadership philosophy is supported by new research that has revealed that power is given to those who use it responsibly and who are attuned to, and engaged with the needs and interests of those they lead.

The research further supports the statement made by the British Historian, Lord Acton, that “Power tends to corrupt; absolute power corrupts absolutely". Something potentially dangerous happens to the psyche when one is placed in or "earns" a position of power. The tendency is toward impulsivity, aggression, flirtatious behavior, lack of critical analysis and judgment, and a complete lack of consideration for others. This tendency is often displayed in rudeness, interrupting others, speaking out of turn and harsh teasing of others. And it is these behaviors, though often subtle, that are most frequently sited as the source of leader derailment.

To quote Keltner "My own research has found that people with power tend to behave like patients who have damaged their brain’s orbitofrontal lobes (the region of the frontal lobes right behind the eye sockets), a condition that seems to cause overly impulsive and insensitive behavior. Thus the experience of power might be thought of as having someone open up your skull and take out that part of your brain so critical to empathy and socially-appropriate behavior."

The Paradox: Power is given (by their followers) to those who are best attuned to the needs and interests of others. However, power, once acquired, tends to damage one's focus on acting in just such a socially intelligent manner.

The challenge for the Exceptional Leader is to recognize this tendency for power to corrupt even them, and to focus their attention on ensuring that they are not behaving in a Machiavellian manner. This is where an Executive Coach can be especially helpful, and it is why over 50% of Fortune 500 corporations are utilizing executive coaches as a part of their leadership development strategies today.

The Blind Side - Personally

Remember that your Blind Side is failure to see your leadership deficiencies. In football, the right-handed quarterback has a good left tackle in place to make sure the blind side is covered. A similar strategy also works for the Exceptional Leader, having someone who can bring truth to you so you can see and correct your leadership deficiencies. This where a good Executive Coach can be helpful.

Such deficiencies are as prevalent in a leader's personal life as they are in their professional life. For example, a manager gave me a call, indicating that his Vice President suggested that he could use my help with some coaching. Evidently, the senior manager had seen some signs that this person was having difficulty in his personal life that was impacting his career. After a short introduction this man said that he was sure that his company's leadership/management roles were not designed for married people. Since I knew many managers in this company who were successfully married, I asked him the reason for his conclusion. He indicated that most of the managers in the area where he worked were divorcing or having marital problems. He went on to say that the job demanded eighty hours a week and that his assistant managers were simply not ready for increased responsibility. His conclusion was that he had to carry all the load himself, possibly sacrificing his family for the cause.

After hearing this, I immediately ask him how his marriage was faring. He said he and his wife were getting along well. He said that his wife had complained about his work for a long time, but seems to have adjusted and had not complained for quite some time. I then asked him, “When do you think she will be leaving you?” He asked me what I meant by the question. I told him that my experience is that the early complaints were “yellow flags” letting you know something was wrong. They could have even been “red flags” warning you that she was at her wits end and needed you to tune in. However, the silence he had been experiencing was more than likely the “white flag” of surrender rather than a sign of happiness. I went on to inform him that for many women in such circumstances, it was only a matter of time before she raise the white flag and leave, because she had concluded that he was truly blind to the needs of his family.

The question and explanation struck a nerve. He paused and said, “Oh my God! ‘My brother-in-law has been sleeping on my sofa for a couple of weeks. ‘My sister-in-law finally left him. 'When he came to tell us she left, he said he didn’t know anything had been wrong.” ‘However, we knew there had been problems for years."



In that brief moment he became acutely aware of the meaning of the “blind side”. The last thing he wanted was for his wife to leave him and take the children with her. We discussed strategies for developing his assistant managers and delegating more to them, about communicating more effectively with his wife, and about leading a more balanced life in light of a long term vision that included personal and professional success. He made the right adjustments and called me three weeks later to let me know that his life and work were much more manageable.

Unfortunately, too many leaders come into my office, having been hit in their blind side as their spouse threw up the white flag and was on the way out the door. Some have been willing to do the hard work that allowed these relationships to be salvaged. Many waited too long before they opened their eyes and ears.


Pay attention to the flags of communication. Discover the intensity of emotion behind them. Don’t assume that silence is golden. Most of the time, it is not. The work of building a healthy marriage is worth all the effort you put into it. If you don’t believe it, ask your kids. Find some people (counselor, coach, pastor, friends) who will be truth tellers to you on a personal level as well a professional level. You may be fortunate to have a spouse who is really good at being your left tackle, and is committed to your personal and professional success. If so, count yourself blessed and return or forward the favor.

The Blind Side - Professionally Speaking

This title will quickly bring up images from the recent movie of the same title. There are not many leaders who have incorporated a strong and powerful left tackle (for a right handed quarterback) who is positioned to protect them on their blind side. Unfortunately, most leaders don't even know they have a blind side until the effects of it are near disastrous for them, their organization, or those they lead.

As an executive coach, I am frequently called in by the corporation to assist an executive or high potential leader developmentally, as they rise to the challenges that accompany their advancement and to help them avoid common pitfalls. I am also called in remedially, to assist executives who are struggling or on the brink of derailment because their blind side finally caught up with them.

The reason organizations spend so much time, effort and money in training, and coaching their leadership talent is they know how critical leadership is to their success. They also know that all leaders are human with blind sides that must be discovered and corrected before they have disastrous effects. Additionally, they know that these initiatives are well worth the investment.

Why Some Leaders have a Blind Side?
1. Arrogance: these are leaders who are full steam ahead with their own agenda and oblivious to the impact on those around them until it is too late. The most recent example may be the political “shellacking” that happened to the Democratic Party. Some leaders truly believe that what got them to this new position will give them success in this new position. Keen observers of leadership effectiveness know that this is simply not true.

2. Personality: a leader’s personality or preferred style and approach to life and leadership is one of the greatest contributors to blindness, because even our strengths have a shadow side. One of my coaching clients had failed numerous times to achieve partner level in his firm. His 360 assessments suggested that people were not eager to follow and work with him on projects that required their contributions. However, they did not provide him sufficient information so that he could understand their concerns. After a couple of coaching sessions and some additional assessments, it became obvious that his preferred style and personality were part of the problem. He learned that he was pretty good at getting things done, but lacked the skills required to motivate and inspire the team that would be required to partner with him on the projects. Additional coaching helped him develop strategies for developing and engaging an energized team. On his next 360 assessment he received a lot more positive feedback, which was required for him to be considered for partner.

3. Ignorance: these leaders may be leading from an old and outdated leadership philosophy. They may also be unaware of the increasing power of their words and actions as they advance to higher positions, and therefore find themselves unintentionally making missteps that are disastrous. One of my executive coaching clients who, on the brink of total derailment, said he truly did not know of any other way to lead. He embraced the coaching with a voracious appetite and modified his leadership style, which coincidentally, was much more in alignment with his own personal values. He is now leading from within his own core values rather than from an artificial philosophy. His CEO said he is now exhibiting everything he wants in a leader.

4. Entitlement: These are leaders who “paid their dues” and believe others should do the same, regardless of the effectiveness of the process. Some even believe their job entitles them to lead in an authoritative and intimidating style, because they believe that is what gets results.

5. Advanced without Development. These leaders often utilize a leadership style that
contributed to their past success, but is no longer appropriate for their current position. Another executive coaching client had never received any coaching, training or development in his twenty years of executive leadership, and was just doing what he thought was best, which was leading to a career derailment. He was thrilled to learn new methods and styles of leadership.

6. Lack of Self-Awareness: They simply are unable to see their blind spots and the impact they are having on others. Some people believe that everyone sees (or ought to see) the world as they do, and are shocked when they learn otherwise.

7. Lack of Feedback: They have been allowed to advance (often because they got results) in spite of known deficits in their leadership style. Some leaders have positioned themselves to hear and receive only the praise and accolades of their followers, while ignoring the more negative messages. Too often they receive feedback that is not clear, specific and accompanied by the potential consequences that could motivate change. They have not opened the door to “truth tellers” who will be honest about how their leadership and their blind spots. Some actually terminate the truth tellers so they don’t hear the truth, because they are so convinced they are right.

8. Protecting the Blind Spot ONLY: It is good for the quarterback not to get run over by those defensive linemen, so they employee the left tackle. But protecting oneself from the damage that can come from the blind spot is not enough for exceptional leadership. These leaders have to make the necessary adjustments in their leadership approach if they hope to succeed.

9. Change without Change: The organization shifted and the leader did not! By the way, this excuse is often used by organizational leaders for their own failure to provide training, coaching, feedback and development that could salvage a great executive.

10. Complacency: These are leaders that have been so long in the role that they became too comfortable, stopped learning, and stopped adding value. They have become unable or unwilling to see the organization from the perspective required to make the changes necessary for continued success.

Every leader has their blind side. Have you discovered yours? Don’t wait until it raises its ugly head and you are on the brink of derailment before you do the work required to alter your leadership journey and stay on the trajectory of success. Engage an Executive Coach to help you discover your blind spots and learn new leadership strategies to achieve your goals and those of the organization where you are privileged to lead.

The Art of the Question

I once asked a group of 50 or so District Managers of a retail organization what would happen if they made a slight adjustment in their approach to leadership? They had grown up with numerous mentors who had carried the infamous "yellow pad" with notes on it to review with their store managers as they made their regular visits. However, the practice of the yellow pad had likely deteriorated somewhat from its beginning when it was in the hands of the master of the Art of the Question. For many of these leaders, the yellow pad had become a list of things that needed to be corrected fairly quickly during their visits. And for the sake of efficiency they would simply go through the list with the store manager telling him/her what they wanted them to hear and correct. They often did this with a sense of urgency and with a subtle message communicating the consequences for failure to get these things done.

The "slight adjustment" I asked them to consider began with my own question: "Do you think your managers already know most of the issues in their store that need correcting?" In other words, do they know what's on the list? The vast majority of these District Managers said, yes, they thought the manager already knew. I then asked, "Do you think your managers already have given some thoughts as to the plan they intend to implement to correct the problem or make the improvements?" And again they said "yes".

With that in mind I suggested a new approach to their next visit. I suggested they begin the visit by asking the manager what he/she saw that was going well in their store. I encouraged them to have them list all the things they could think of, and then ask them to describe how they thought these things came to be. Two things occur out of this conversation. First the manager has an opportunity to sing the praises of his people to his DM. Secondly, it gives the DM an opportunity to hear a lot of really good things that are going on. An additional opportunity presents itself for the DM to add a few additional successes he/she had observed as well, along with an encouragement for the manager not to overlook these details.

Next, I suggested the District Manager asked the manager what the problems were, what needed improvement, and what plans he/she had for getting things on the right course. Two things occur during this conversation as well. First, it allows the manager to be hyper alert to the challenges he/she is facing and be ahead of the game when it comes to solutions. Secondly, it allows the District Manager to assess the competency of the manager in picking up on the real issues and root causes of problems. On top of all this it allows the District Manager to gain confidence in the competency of the manager as they present their analysis, and it allows them to become a true coach for helping the manager develop those skills when they miss the mark.

My coaching philosophy is: "People learn to believe what they hear themselves say." When these questions are asked the manager begins to hear themselves speak out loud the things they need to hear themselves say. If they can do this well, they don't need their District Manager over their shoulder micromanaging their business. If the District Manager gains confidence in their competency during this process, they may actually back off on their micromanaging and criticism, which are debilitating management behaviors that cause others to freeze up and become less productive.

Why all the Fuss about Leadership?

Gather any group of CEOs together and ask them what their top five concerns are about the future of their enterprise and Leadership and Leadership Bench Strength will be among the most frequently sited concerns. Why all the fuss? Does leadership really make that much difference?

My experience, along with the research, says "yes". I remember taking a trip to Mexico to visit a company's facilities there. I was traveling with executives of both the U.S. parent company and those of the Mexico subsidary. We were scheduled to travel to five cities over the week and visit the various retail formats that this company had throughout the country. The five of us were on the plane discussing each of the locations where we would visit. We had with us, two documents for each of the locations, the P&L and the HR Scorecard, where we could learn about the profitability and employee retention in each facility. We wanted to show support as well as learn all we could about the manager's perception of their successes as well as their challenges. One thing that made this trip an experiment in leadership was that this company would often have two to three different retail formats in the same parking lot, serving the same population and drawing from the same base for its employees. Some of the outlets were profitable and some were not.

The success or lack theirof was evident immediately upon entrance into the store. Where there was success the people approached us with enthusiasm and pride, ready to tell us stories about their successes, their profitability, and their potential for earning a bonus. Where the profits were not so great, the employees stood back and only the manager would approach us. Though the successful outlet was just across the parking lot, more often than not the manager would begin to tell us how difficult the market was, how the Maquiladoras were stealing their employees by offering better pay and benefits, thus making it difficult for them to establish all that would be required for success. It became apparent after several of these stops that the primary difference between the successful outlets and the unsuccessful ones was the leadership in the facility.

Additionally, when I speak to regional directors or vice presidents responsible for multiple facilities around the country I am told time and again, that they can tell where there are leadership problems in just a short time after entering one of their facilities. They tell me there is a different atmosphere among the employees that often shows up on one of several of their scorecards as well.

The fact that leadership makes the difference is much more than anecdotal. The research validates this as well. In his highly acclaimed book, Good to Great, Jim Collins sets out to determine what led to the turn around in the companies he highlights. As much as he had hoped to avoid writing a book about leadership, his researchers compelled him to look at the evidence. Leadership is what it took to move those companies from good to great, albeit leadership that focused on all the other success factors outlined in the book. In the Gallup research reported on in First Break All The Rules: what the world's greatest managers do differently, Buckingham and Coffman point to the front line leader or manager as being the key to shaping the perceptions of their employees in such a way as to have a statistically significant, positive impact on productivity, profits, customer satisfaction and employee retention.

Leadership, more often than not, is the difference between good and great results. That is the reason the executives surveyed note it as one of their top five critical concerns. And the best of those executives invest in the growth and development of their leaders because they know it pays great dividends. There are lots of things you can do to develop your yourself as well as your leaders, but that is a topic for a different discussion. Right now, be reminded to take a closer look at the value and importance of leadership. It trumps most everything else.

I Learn to Believe What I Hear Myself Say - 4

One of the best books I read on leadership was one I read when my children were moving from elementary age to their teen years. That was several years ago now. I knew those would be crucial years. We had read many recommended parenting books during their early years, all of which had been very helpful to us. But we knew we were about to launch into a new dimension of parenting that we thought we might not quite be prepared for. That's when I came a across a book entitled Raising Self-Reliant Children in a Self-Indulgent World: seven building blocks for developing capable young people, by Stephen Glenn and Jane Nelsen. In it, the authors highlighted the lost art of dialogue, and the skills of asking questions that lead to competency. The book is about engaging in dialogue and asking the right questions so that you and they would begin to hear themselves articulate their values and principles for decision making and problem solving, as well as their understanding of the connection between choices and consequences. In fact I learned that a large part of my job as a parent is to ask the questions that will allow them to hear themselves say out loud the things they need to hear. This way I have input, they have input, and their less wise peers are not yet part of the process.

I then learned that the authors had developed a video series for parents entitled Developing Capable People, in which the principles and discussions are shared among parents in small group settings. I immediately put a group together to review the material. These parents were as moved by the opportunity to develop a new approach to parenting as I was.

I began to incorporate these new skills into my own parenting. The results were immediate and amazing. I probably recognized it more than my kids did. As I learned the art of asking the skilled questions, and eliminating the destructive questions and the lectures with demeaning hooks attached, I began to see a change in me and my kids. I learned that they were already incorporating many of the values and principles my wife and I had been teaching them from an early age. They were making choices having given a lot of consideration to the outcomes and consequences. Rather than lecturing and scolding them, I began to hear them out and add a few thoughts for them to consider as they went through the process. I wasn't perfect at this, and they may still tell you I was a lecturer, but the reality is that what I learned not to do they never experienced, and we are all better for it.

This is a far cry from how I was raised. My father was far more interested in compliance and the distribution of consequences than in understanding my thought processes, skills or reasoning ability. Now, this was not all bad. He certainly kept me on the strait and narrow. However, I do believe both of us would have benefited by a different approach. With greater confidence in my own abilities I could have avoided many of the lessons that had to be learned in the school of hard knocks.

I had been an executive coach for some time prior to reading this book and knew that Developing Capable People is the work of management and leadership, and this art of dialogue and questioning is a skill that leaders must master in order to be exceptional. However, I had never heard it discussed in all the management training I had attended, and I had participated in a boat load; nor had I read about this concept in any of the management or leadership books I had read, and I have a library of hundreds. I even met Stephen Glenn in the Dallas airport and we began to discuss the applications of this material for management development and training. He said he had been approached by one recognizable business about this, but I never heard anything from it. Either the material was never developed or it never generated any excitement.

However, I did have the privilege of being around some of the best leaders in some of the most successful Fortune 500 companies and observe these skills being practiced. I took notes and did what most Executive Coaches and Trainers do. I began to develop my own training program based on the concepts in this material. I began to incorporate it into my coaching and training with leaders. And when they began to incorporate the art of asking the intentional question with a genuine interest in learning about the competencies of those they are developing, they changed. Their confidence in their people increased. Additionally, the confidence of their direct reports increased as they heard themselves articulate their various approaches to problem solving and decision making, and received reinforcement from their leadership.

The question for you today: Are you asking questions of those you lead so that they are articulating out loud the things they need to hear themselves say?

I Learn to Believe What I Hear Myself Say 3

You may be asking why I am spending so much time discussing this statement. I do so because I believe it to be foundational to exceptional leadership. It forms the basis for your personal development and for the coaching you will provide to those you lead.

Now that you understand the reality and power of Self-Talk, it is critical that you come to a point that you begin to master it. That may be easier said than done. The problem is that our self-talk is so automatic and convincingly true in our own minds that we seldom think to challenge it. But we have already demonstrated that our self-talk is not always true. It is often an emotional reaction to an event, or a biased perspective not based in fact. In fact, our self-talk can be outright lies we have become convinced to be truth. All of these result in the emotions that often form the foundation of our responses. Without analyzing or challenging your self-talk you will tend to have be more reactive than you are to have an appropriate response.

It is so difficult to master control over our self-talk that I have produced a written exercise that has proven to be quite effective if practiced with discipline. I call it the Self-Talk Monitor. Some experts have actually created computer based training programs to guide people through this process. These tools have have proven very effective in the treatment of all kinds of emotional problems. This Self-Talk Monitor is designed as a written exercise because it requires discipline, repetition and regular practice to first convince us that we do it, and then lead us through the process to change it. Though normally laid out in a table format, I will just explain it here.


First of all, it is important to recognize that events, situations or problems do not cause emotions, as is so often thought to be the case. In other words, the fact that someone calls me a poor author (the event) does not result in my emotions of sadness, anger, or disappointment. The event simply triggers my self-talk, which can lead to any number of emotions. If I am vested in your approval, it may lead to the previously described emotional responses. If not, I may simply appreciate your feedback as constructive criticism for my own improvement.

The table we use ask participants to begin by analyzing their emotions first because when we feel anger, sadness, despair, or any other emotions we can usually track them back to a situation, event or personal interaction that led to them. Step one is to write down the emotion. Clearly state your feelings using words like, anger, frustration, rage, sadness, despair etc. Step 2 is to identify the action that followed the emotion. In the above example your comment about my authorship may have "made me" angry, resulting in my sending you a scathing e-mail defending myself. I use the quotations because you cannot actually make me angry. Step 3 is to identify the the situation, event or personal interaction that led to that emotion, i.e. your comment about my authorship.

Now that you have the emotion and situation that led to it identified, write down the self-talk that led you to experience this emotion (Step 4). Now, you will need to ask yourselves the following questions: “Is this how you wanted this to turn out?” “Is this how you want to feel?” “Is this feeling working for you in a productive way?” “Is this going to contribute to my success and effectiveness?” If your answer is “NO”, you’re ready to make some significant changes that will lead you to greater success and effectiveness.

The next step (Step 5) in this process is probably the most difficult. Remember, our self-talk is automatic. We don’t even give it much consideration. It happens so quickly that we don’t even recall that we had a conversation with ourselves. We just react to it with our emotions and behaviors. On top of this, we actually are in love our automatic self-talk. We believe it is accurate, truthful, and the best response to the situation at hand, so much so that it is difficult for us to challenge it. That is why it takes discipline, and sometimes coaching to come up with alternative self-talk. And it is this skill that separates the exceptional and successful from those who cannot get out of their rut of living a reactive life.

Speaking of “ruts”, there are some people who are so comfortable in their ruts that they have carpeted and furnished them, and have even invited the decorators in to spruce them up a bit. But that does not have to be the case with you.

The great thing about searching for alternative self-talk is that the options are wide open. It is kind of like brainstorming. Get creative and begin to consider other things that you could say to yourself that would lead to different emotions; other perspectives on the event that may be equally as true as your original one. The point is for you not to get locked into the destructive emotions and subseqent reaction. If your self-talk has been destructive, filled with cynicism, bitterness, obsessions with your failures and lack of effectiveness, you definitely have some work to do to break free from this destructive Strong-Hold.

I love what the Bible says on this subject: The Truth Will Set You Free, but that is a topic for another discussion.

I Learn to Believe What I Hear Myself Say 2

Part of my job as a counselor, coach, parent or supervisor is to help people recognize the self-talk that keeps them from positive progression, and to help them modify it for a different outcome, or to help them say out loud the things they need to hear from themselves, things that will motivate them and increase their confidence.

When one very distraught young lady called me she was so distraught that she could hardly stop crying. When she was finally able to talk I asked what had upset her so. To my surprise, she said “I had a flat tire.” Now I know flat tires can be inconvenient, frustrating and upsetting, but I don’t think I had ever known of someone being so upset because of one. She wasn’t quite suicidal, but she was certainly feeling hopeless and helpless, and leaning in that direction.

I asked her what it was about the flat tire that had caused this level of distress. She told me that she had missed work for a couple days for personal reasons that she described as “life and relationships not going well”, and was heading to back to work on a cold and snowy morning. When she got to her car, she noticed she had a flat, and when she checked her trunk, she also became aware that she didn’t have a jack in the car, and really didn’t even know how to change a tire. She said she had been a bit of an emotional mess lately and just wanted to call me to let me that she was going to quit her job.

I asked her if she had spoken to her supervisor yet, and she said she had not. Stop and think about this just for a moment. Why do you think she had not called her boss? You’re right! She said she didn’t think he would believe her; that he would think she was just making another excuse to miss work. She was convinced that he would probably think she was a lazy 'good-for-nothing' and that he would likely fire her for being late again. I asked her if her supervisor had ever treated her as poorly, and she said he had not. I asked if she was aware of him having treated anyone else as poorly, and she said that she was not aware of any examples of such treatment of others either. I said, “Wow, you’ve concluded your supervisor is going to be a jerk, but have no basis for that conclusion.” I also told her that her assumptions about him may be accurate, but right now all this frustration and negative emotion is based on what she was saying to her self and not based on facts or experience. I went on to suggest to her that she had talked herself into an emotional frenzy and even into quitting a perfectly good job. She reluctantly agreed that this is exactly what she had done.

I asked if she would try something for me, and, though a little reluctant, she agreed. I asked her to call her supervisor and tell him what had happened. I went on to tell her that either way, she wins. If he turns out to be a jerk, she wouldn’t want to work with him anyway, and she can go ahead and quit. If he turns out to be different, she may save herself the trouble of starting all over again. I also asked her to call me back and let me know how things worked out.

The next day she calls and begins the conversation by telling me that the company she worked for was the best in the world and her supervisor had to be the very best person she had ever worked for. Wow, what a difference 24 hours makes! She told me that he responded with a lot of concern when she told him what had happened. She said that he even asked one of her coworkers to go pick her up and bring her to work. Her coworker not only gave her a ride to work, but he also helped her get the tire changed and fixed. She could hardly believe it. The rest of our conversation was a discussion of how to manage the self-talk that leads to destructive emotions. She was all ears.

The next time you are frustrated, check your own Self-Talk. As an Exceptional Leader, be aware that most of the emotion you encounter from your employees is a result of their self-talk. Some of it may be true, some of it not. Part of your job may be to help them sort out the difference.

I Learn to Believe what I Hear Myself Say - 1

The following story drives home the power of Self-Talk. It is a story entitled "The Scriptwriter" which first appeared in Gavin DeBecker's book The Gift of Fear. I ran across this after attending a Workplace Violence Prevention training session with Gavin.

A man driving along a remote stretch of highway gets a flat tire. Preparing to put on the spare, he realizes he does not have a jack to raise the car. Far in the distance he sees lights of some small farmhouse and begins the long walk to borrow a jack. It is getting dark, and as he walks along, we worries that the people will be reluctant to help him.
“They’ll probably refuse to even answer the door, or worse still, pretend they’re not home,” he thinks. “I’ll have to walk another mile to the next house, and they’ll say they don’t want to open the door and that they don’t have a jack anyway. When I finally get somebody to talk to me, they’ll want me to convince them I’m not some criminal, and if they agree to help me, which is doubtful, they’ll want to keep my wallet so I don’t run off with their stupid jack. What’s wrong with these people? Are they so untrusting that they can’t even help a fellow citizen? Would they have me freeze to death out here?”
By this point he has reached the first house. Having worked himself into a virtual stage of rage, he bangs on the door, thinking to himself, “They better not try to pretend there’s no one home, because I can hear the TV.”
After a few seconds, a pleasant woman opens the door wide and asks with a smile, “Can I help you?”
He yells back at her, “I don’t want your help and I wouldn’t take your lousy jack if you gift wrapped it for me!”

The story is easy to identify with, and can even be humorous. In the context of what Gavin DeBecker is addressing, it can also lead a person to even more destructive or violent behavior. Actually, we all engage in Self-Talk, whether we take time to recognize it or not. Unfortunately, Self-Talk is what keeps so many people trapped in their current situation, stuck in their depression, or marooned on an island of mediocrity. On the other hand, Self-Talk is what leads others to see opportunity where many see only obstacles, and others to rejoice in what may be viewed as the most devastating circumstances. The good news is that we have power to chose our own Self-Talk, which will be a subject of a separate discussion. In the mean time, take a moment to slow down and ask yourself, "What was it I just said to myself?"

Example of Exceptional Leadership

I just read the cover story of the September 27th issue of Fortune Magazine about Mike Duke, CEO of Wal-Mart Stores, Inc. First of all, I was glad that Mike was spotlighted in the manner in which he was. I know him personally through various interactions at Wal-Mart when he was leading the logistics division and I was leading Resources for Living; and through interactions in our community and through our church where we attend together, and where he is most frequently seen serving as a "door greeter" welcoming people to the worship services. Secondly, I was impressed with Brian O'Keefe, the editor of the story, who did an exceptional job of highlighting the qualities and characteristics of what it takes to be an Exceptional Leader of such a one-of-a-kind company. Qualities like discipline, work ethic, focus, determination, humility, attention to details, capacity for making tough decisions about the direction of the company and about getting the right people in the right place. If you haven't already done so, I would encourage you to read the article with pen in hand, and identify the qualities of exceptional leadership demonstrated by Mike. If you don't have a copy close by, just click on the title of this blog and it will link you to the article on Fortune's site.

The article also mentioned a few things that may be easy to pass over too quickly, things that are crucial to Mike's capacity for exceptional leadership. Mike grew up in a small community in Georgia where a great deal of life was centered around his small church, his family and his community. I believe these are a few of the things that have helped form his personal faith, his core values and his commitment to the values-based culture that continues to permeate Wal-Mart today.

I have a tremendous appreciation for Wal-Mart. I have enjoyed working with them directly, supporting their leaders and Associates through Resources for Living, and providing leadership and team development programs for various groups through my work with the Soderquist Center for Leadership and Ethics. They have been a part of my life and livelihood for over 20 years. I cannot help but believe that the company is in good hands to continue to add value to the lives of its nearly 3 Million employees, and to the hundreds of millions of shoppers who will benefit from them every year. I believe I can confidently say that Sam would be proud.

People Buy with Emotions and Justify with Facts

While attending a recent session on category management for the consumer products industry, I was reminded of the title statement above that has been the basis for one of the leadership development programs that I have conducted over the years. Consumer Product Companies have known the truth of this axiom for years. In fact, significant dollars have been dedicated to the development of technology that can actually track the eye movements and brain activity of shoppers as they look at products on store shelves so they can actually know what catches the greatest interest of the shopper. The speaker at this recent session explained several things, such as the customer experience or other personal factors that lead to psychological or somatic reactions that reinforce a decision to buy or not to buy a product or shop at a particular store.

The truth of this axiom is also the reason retailers have "impulse items" at the cash register, and "Action Alley" in the most heavily travelled area of the stores. Though I seldom shop, I confess that periodically I fall victim to this method of marketing, especially if Mars has been fortunate enough to get the shelf space to feature Peanut M&Ms near the cash register. I would never go through the store to find and buy these, because my weight management program clearly states that I don't need them. However, when I see that yellow package with all those lovely little colored morsels appealing to me while I am standing idly at the check-out line, I begin to justify that purchase with all kinds of rationalizations, one of which is "no one will ever know I just downed the whole bag."

What does this have to do with exceptional leadership? Exceptional Leaders are aware that their employees are doing this same thing every day as they develop their perceptions of them as leaders. They are also aware that they don't have complete control over where their employees come up with these perceptions. So go ahead and ask yourself, Where do my employees gain their perceptions of me as a leader? This question is especially critical the higher you sit in the organizational hierarchy, or if you hold a role that only allows your presence among those you lead on a periodic basis. Some of the answers you may come up with may be things like: from direct observation, whether that is through daily interactions or brief vignettes gathered as you make your rounds or meet them on the shop floor; from stories told to them by other employees; from their experience with past managers or leaders; from their relationships with previous authority figures in their lives, including their parents.

Think about this for a moment. A new employee is hired in your 300 employee operation. You met them at new hire orientation, but you really did not get to know them well. Since they don't know anyone in the organization very well, they tend to gravitate to the people who happen to be the most friendly toward them. That may or may not be a good thing for you, depending on that person's perception of you as a leader. (by the way, that is why a formal on-boarding process is important) If that person has a negative perception of you and shares it with the new employee, the new employee has a choice. Do I trust this new "friend" who has shown good taste by being friendly to me, or do I trust you. Most will put you in a "wait and see" category. They will then wait for the facts to justify the observation they are most emotionally inclined to. If, on the next day, you quickly pass them in the hall on your way to a meeting and you come across as too busy to notice them, which perception has just been reinforced?

Exceptional leaders work extra hard to keep a pulse on the organization and spend considerable time managing their communications. They know they are under constant observation and are aware their interactions are helping people develop their perceptions of the company leadership as well as of the company as a whole. They are intentional about ensuring that they leave people with the right message.

The literature on emotional intelligence (EQ) calls this social awareness and relationship management, and has proven that it is critical to a leader's success. The example above is just one example of how these two factors of EQ can be applied.

Exceptional Leaders are Self-Motivated

Exceptional Leaders don’t wait for others to motivate them.

Did you ever notice that the word “motivation” appears to be the combination of to words, “motive” and “action”? In other words, "Motivation" is your “motive for action”. There are two types of motivation, internal and external. External motivation includes things like praise, rewards, fear, recognition and approval. These are definitely motivators, but over time they need to be constantly sweetened in order to maintain their appeal.

You don’t want to be like the old boy back home who owned the farm. He and his wife worked the farm together every day. They would get up early to go out to do their chores for the day. It took both of them to keep the farm productive, and it served them well and provided a decent income.

One morning the old boy woke up and was not feeling well. He couldn’t even get out of bed. When his wife came in to ask him why he hadn’t gotten out of bed, he told her, “I ain’t feeling right pert today, sweetie. I guess you’ll have to do the chores without me today.” Well as soon as she completed the chores she got him up and took him into town to see the doctor, who looked him over thoroughly. The doctor then asked him to leave the room while he spoke to the wife. He told her that her husband was in pretty bad shape, but he thought they could save him, if she would do just three things. Well she was eager to know what those three things were, so the doctor told her that first, she would have to cook him three meals every day. Secondly, he told her she would have to wait on him hand and foot. And finally he told her she would have to bow to his every need. She asked the doctor, What will happen if I don't do those three things?" The doctor said, “Well, he’ll likely die.”

When she went back to the waiting room to see her husband, he anxiously asked, “Well, what did the doctor say?” She responded, “The doctor said you’ll likely die.”

The moral of the story is that you cannot always count on external motivators to keep you going. That being the case, it may be wise to consider the alternative, which is to develop internal motivators that are within your control, things like attitudes, beliefs, assumptions, interpretations and paradigms. Some of these are so long held that they are not easily evaluated. However, the truth is, any particular belief or attitude that you hold can shape the way you filter and interpret all incoming information, and can be changed. For example, in the 1960s the words “Made in Japan” stood for cheap trinkets that would not last. The early automobiles imported from Japan validated these beliefs. It took several years with above average performance before consumers shifted their belief. Today the automobiles and other products made in Japan are the epitome of quality.

The same goes for perceptions or beliefs you hold about yourself or others. If you see yourself as a failure, you are likely to call up all instances that reinforce this belief, and will continue to project that outcome on future situations, such that you convince yourself of your inability to succeed. You will likely hear other’s comments and evaluations of your work as reinforcement of your preconceived ideas of failure. When this is the case you will find yourself in a perpetual cycle of self-destruction that will keep you from ever achieving success.

However, those beliefs and interpretations are simply that. They are not necessarily accurate, nor do they have to lock you in to your current situation. You can change the beliefs. You can reinterpret and reframe the events in your life. You can break free from the old paradigm and can adopt new assumptions that will serve to motivate you rather than discourage and defeat you. It will take a new discipline of healthier self-talk, but it can be done.

Exceptional Leaders: Driven or Courageous?

It is easy to look at a successful leader and conclude that they are driven. The truth is many are. They haven’t come to grips with the demons from their past and are actually on a race to outrun them or prove them wrong by demonstrating that they actually are something while deeply inside thinking they actually are not much. This type of "drivenness" has led to some forms of success for many people, but not the success that we will speak of more fully in this space, which is a success that is more than making it to the top of the corporate ladder or the money list.

I am reminded of a little book entitled, Hope for the Butterflies, by Trina Paulus, that was given me early in my career by a friend who was well on his way toward achieving what most of us would define as success. It describes the life of caterpillars, those lowly, fuzzy little creatures that really don’t have much going for them, except to get ahead of the other caterpillars in pursuit of "success". It is clear in the book that even these little creatures that are out front in this race to the top have this disturbing intuition that there must be more to life than this. The book concludes by reminding us that these little guys only achieve what they were designed for when they step out of the mad pursuit and relax a little. To their amazement once they stepped away from the constant striving they wake up significantly different than when they went to sleep.

When it comes right down to it most of us want success that includes much more than the rat race to the top of the heap. In the past few years, we have witnessed many leaders tumble from the top, only to be swallowed up by the recession and the personal meltdowns that accompanied it. Exceptional leaders have courageously stepped back from the rat race and have clearly defined success that includes multiple dimensions of their lives, including home, family, health, fitness, faith, peace, friends, finances and community. Once success is clearly defined, they work diligently to make choices that lead to the achievement of their goals. Do they work hard? You bet they do! And they make hard choices every day. They also know that their hard work is likely to pay off in the areas that mean the most to them. And if they happen to experience a failure in one area, the balance they have achieved will often serve to sustain them until they get back on their feet.

Exceptional Leaders Know their Strengths

Exceptional leaders know their strengths and play to them, rather than comparing themselves to someone who has a different experience than theirs. One common tendency is to see a successful person and play down our efforts or accomplishments in comparison. This practice often leaves people depressed, hopeless, and desperately chasing illusions. A strength-focus, on the other hand, is the primary reason exceptional leaders appear to have greater self confidence. They have taken that hard look at reality that we talked about earlier and have identified their strengths and chose to build on what they do have instead of dream or whining about what they don't.

It is easy to say how nice it would be to have Bill Gates’ fortune. However, he didn’t just stumble into it. Malcom Gladwell, in his book Outliers, reminds us that it was the 10,000 hours of practice that led him and others like him to become Outliers. Gates' 10K effort led him to become a computer expert whose practice resulted in advances in technology that have become invaluable to our wired society today. It is possible for any of us to have similar results with similar efforts. So instead of sitting around wishing and dreaming of what might have been, or being depressed because of these comparisons, exceptional leaders play on the strengths they have. They focus on continuous improvement and personal development. They are not destroyed by their failures, and they refuse to be limited by their weaknesses.

There are numerous examples of people who have done just that, such as Abraham Lincoln, Winston Churchill or holocaust survivors such as Victor Frankl, but I want to highlight a group of survivors. In the field of psychology volumes have been written about adult children of alcoholics (ACOA) and the devastating effects that growing up in such an environment can have on a child’s life. Take a moment to Google or Bing ACOA and you will find page after page of lists and symptoms, sympathy and help. And, while most of what is written may be true, the reality is that only about 15% of ACOAs are debilitated by the experience. The other 85% have become what I like to call "thrivers". Though they have had a tough life experience, completely undeserved by them, they have done more than survive. They have refused to allow that experience to dictate the outcome of their lives or to stop them from living productive lives. They choose instead to control the things they can control. They focus on their competencies, capabilities and strengths. Then they gather the resources at their disposal and build the best life possible, one step at a time. Many do so quite successfully. It does not mean that they are free from pain of those early experiences, or that life may have been better for them had they not had such an experience. It simply means that they do not allow the pain of their past to destroy them.

Regardless of your life experiences, it would be easy to look back to your past or your childhood and find hurts or injustices that you could point to as justification for failure or lack of progress. However, the same look back can find better things to focus on that can, just as easily, become your reasons for thriving today. It is simply a choice that everyone must make, often on a daily basis. Exceptional leaders have learned to do this exceptionally well. They come from all walks of life, family backgrounds and personal experiences. They have had their setbacks and successes. They have learned to play on the one string they have and, from this make great music.

One of my best friends in all the world gave me the following poem on an occasion when I was going through a rough period in life. He likely does not even recall the gift, but to me it was a God send that I have imprinted in my memory. When I received it, it was on a plaque that was unauthored. I have since learned that it was written by Ella Wheeler Wilcox

The Set of the Sails

One ship sails East.
Another West
By the self-same winds that blow.
Tis the set of the sails and not the gales
that determine the way they go.

Like the winds of the sea
Are the waves of time,
As we journey along through life,
'Tis the set of the soul,
That determines the goal,
And not the calm or the strife.

Executive Coaching: A Hard Look at Reality

Your Journey to Exceptional Leadership Begins Here: A Hard Look at Reality

Research indicates that a leader's effectiveness is based more on EQ that IQ. EQ, or Emotional Intelligence, describes self awareness, self management, social awareness and relationship management as essential elements for leadership effectiveness. The development of EQ starts with self-awareness, or a hard look at reality that gives you an opportunity to see yourself as you really are. This is not always an easy thing to accomplish. Most good leaders say they welcome feedback and many often solicit it. However, there is a certain self-protective nature in us that can lead us to soften the feedback, especially if it becomes a little painful. That softening of the message leads to rationalizations and justifications for our behavior. So rather than making a change, we easily continue on doing what we have always done. Unfortunately, the old phrase does not apply here, you don't keep on getting the same results. The results of failing to pay attention to feedback and not taking a hard look in the mirror is the primary cause of leadership derailment.

It is true, some people simply refuse to change. Others fail to see the need for change, until the pain of remaining the same is greater than the pain associated with changing. Unfortunately, these changes often come too late to redeem the derailing leader.

The challenge is to get ahead of professional derailment and to develop a strategy that leads to being an exceptional leader. Self-awareness can be accelerated with an executive coach, especially one who is thorough in their assessments, interviews and use of resources that will help you get a clear picture of reality. The value of the coach is the support that comes from an advocate who wants to help you succeed, who will serve as a sounding board for you and who will work with you to develop skills and strategies that have proven themselves in helping avoid derailment or recover from it.

The coach's tools, especially the professional assessment instruments paired with information from interviews and observations can give you insight into your leadership style, the impact you have on others, your strengths, weaknesses and competencies. They will guide you through the development of your personal purpose, vision, goals and objectives. They will serve as a foundation for developing a plan that capitalizes on your strengths and ensures that your weaknesses don't turn into derailers.

As an Executive Coach and as a past coaching client, I can attest to the value of the process. Painless? NO? Helpful? Unbelievably so! Worth the investment? Without a doubt!

As an Executive Coach, the process of seeing an executive move from the brink of derailment to success is incredibly rewarding.

Exceptional Leaders Focus on Strengths

"Instead of comparing our lot with that of those who are more fortunate than we are, we should compare it with the lot of the great majority of our fellow men. It then appears that we are among the privileged." Helen Keller

The following story is a true story that illustrates the power negative thinking as well as the power of focusing on the strengths of those you lead. This story is about a nineteen year old African American female who was terribly distraught when she first called me for help. During the first few minutes of our conversation she was crying uncontrollably. When she was finally able to talk she told me that she was considering taking her own life. She said that her mother had kicked her out of her house, that she felt helpless and hopeless and confident that she would never amount to much. I knew that she was most likely ready to reiterate all the reasons she was worthless. As you can imagine, I was quite concerned for this young woman.

Several questions ran through my mind. What led her to this point in life? Were things really as bad as she was seeing them at this very moment? Did she have any strength or resources she could draw from that would pull her out of this?

I chose to reflect on the one positive thing I heard from her rather than on the difficulty between her and her mother. I affirmed her relationship with her aunt whom she said had taken her in, telling her I was glad she had at least some temporary shelter. She agreed by indicating that they she and her aunt had a great relationship and that her aunt had told her she could stay as long as necessary to get back on her feet. Next, I checked to see if she had any resources or whether she would need some kind of special assistance. When I asked about a job she said she had a good job and enjoyed her work. This led me to conclude that she had probably completed high school, and since she was only nineteen, I asked about that experience. She said she had made very good grades in order to compete as an athlete in track & field and that she still keeps up with her fitness by running three miles every day. In fact, she had just come in from her morning run before making the call to me. I commended her again and suggested that she is unique compared to most people who never get off the sofa.

I then asked her about friends or associates from whom she could receive encouragement and support. Since she had recently graduated from high school I expected to hear about friends from there. To my surprise, however, she said that most of her friends were from work rather than her high school. She said that most of her friends from school had become pregnant before finishing high school, were on some type of welfare or aid programs, or were involved in drugs. With that, I asked how it was that she ended up making such different choices. She turned the conversation back to her accomplishments at school. She said that the competition of track & field motivated her to stay focused academically because good grades were required to compete. I asked how well she did in her track experience. She said she had won several competitions and had even received a full scholarship to a nearby college. I again commended her with amazement at her success and asked if she planned to attend college. She said she was not sure, but, now that it was on her mind, she would consider checking into it further.

Nearing the end of the call I told her that I was quite amazed at her accomplishments. I further apologized for not spending much time talking about the situation with her mother. She said that she actually felt much better after the call than she had in weeks. I could tell that her mood had changed significantly from the beginning of the conversation. When I asked about that, she said that no one had ever told her all the things that I had told her.

Now, this is where it gets interesting. I stopped her immediately and reminded that I had told her nothing, but that it was she who had told of all her accomplishments, and of all the positive things in her life. She thought about my comment for a minute and then excitedly agreed. She also recognized that she had fallen victim to selective memory that focused on the most negative things in her life. She realized that she could actually change that to a more positive focus. She said that she really wanted to keep these positive things in the forefront of her thinking. She immediately listed those things on a piece of paper and taped it to her bathroom mirror so she could read them every day before she left her house. She said she wanted to be reminded that she is worthwhile, loved by friends and family, unique, talented and capable, and facing a future with lots of opportunity.

I asked again about her mother. She said that she still did not have a good answer for that, but that she was certain that she would be okay, even if things did not get better between them. I suggested she call me again to discover some ways she could try to work things out. I also asked about suicidal thoughts, and she said she was certainly not going to harm herself and was more hopeful about her life and her future now than ever before.

Several weeks passed and she had not called back so I called her to follow up on our conversation. She said that she was doing great. She said she still lived with her aunt, and that her relationship with her mother was slowly improving. She said she still sees the list every morning and is reminded that even when a few things are not going well, there are a lot of other good things about her life that she can focus on and draw strength from.

Everyone has enough problems and challenges in their lives. Exceptional leaders don't ignore those things, but they begin by focusing on the strenghts of others. Without that foundation, few people will have the energy to focus on managing the deficits and continue their growth.

Exceptional Leaders uphold Dignity and Respect, even in Challenging Situations

I have come to appreciate the values of exceptional leaders because they consistently demonstrate a balance between achieving their goals and valuing their people.

This type of leadership never has been more important. Even as we see glimpses of the economy turning around, we know there is a long way to go.

Among those most greatly impacted are some of these valued people who have lost their jobs through layoffs or terminations. The emotions they experience range from anger, fear and despair to relief and optimism about new opportunities.

Others who are affected may be less obvious, including those who are still employed and the leaders who must make these decisions, which are especially difficult during tough economic times.

What do the exceptional leaders do to help employees when jobs are being eliminated? First, they ensure their managers and HR professionals treat employees fairly so they can transition with dignity and respect. Some offer an opportunity for employees to apply for other positions within the company. Others offer severance pay and a continuation of benefits as a means of minimizing the stress of the change.

Some of the most helpful benefits employers can offer are outplacement services in which transitioning employees are connected with experienced career coaches who provide support and resources that may include:

* Individualized personal coaching.
* Career and skills assessments.
* Resume review and writing services.
* Personal brand development.
* Transition strategies.
* Job search tracking resources.
* Online resources and tools.
* Networking skills.
* Interview preparation.
* Skills for negotiating the offer.
* Access to employment professionals.
* Group classes or "webinars."
* Personalized marketing Web sites.

There are many reasons displaced employees value these services. For starters, such services help them manage unproductive emotions and transition to positive action more quickly. That can help them explore a broader range of options for employment.

These services also improve confidence and optimism, which ideally shortens the job search process and ensures a smoother transition to the next job.

Likewise, employers also get value from outplacement services. Foremost among a host of reasons is these services often are viewed as "the right thing to do," and reinforce the positive image the company has worked hard to establish.

Additionally, these services allow former employees to have greater goodwill for the company, regardless of the reason for their termination. That can both positively impact the morale and productivity of the remaining employees and minimize potential costs and liabilities.

Finding the right resource is critical to a successful outplacement experience. The last thing an employer needs at a time like this are displaced employees disappointed by the services provided.

There are, therefore, several questions to consider. Among them:

* Are they staffed with experienced career coaches and employment professionals who know the local and national job market?
* Will they promise confidentiality?
* Will they establish clear goals and expectations at the outset of the coaching?
* Do they provide relevant tools and resources to assist employees in their job search, including professional resume review and expert guidance for navigating the online tools that are available?
* Are they flexible in shaping the program to the company's needs and budget?

The service an employer chooses and their coaches become an extension of your company during this time. That makes it critical they deliver the highest quality services to make this difficult transition less painful for everyone involved.

This article first appeared in the July 12, 2010 issue of the Northwest Arkansas Business Journal.

Exceptional Leaders and Failure

Exceptional leaders never confuse their failures with their identities.

They are kind of like the old donkey that I heard about that fell in the well. The old farmer saw that the well was too deep and knew that the donkey was old and not worth much, so he decided to just bury the beast right there in the well. So he started shoveling. But to his amazement, the old donkey would see that load of dirt coming his way and he would just shake it off, and step up, shake it off and step up, until he climbed right out of that well.

Likewise, exceptional leaders know that life and leadership is full of obstacles and challenges. They know they will make mistakes. One of this country's most exceptional leaders was General George Washington. During the Revolutionary War against the British for American freedom he faced a stronger and more experienced army, was under-resourced by those that sent him into war, faced the desertion of his troops and the ridicule of his countrymen. As discouraging as that must have been, he didn’t let those setbacks defeat him. He and his troops believed in the cause of freedom so much that they rose up again and again, against the greatest of odds. By shear determination and the grace of God they won the critical battles that determined the final outcome of the war and established America as the first nation to be born based on a belief in freedom and justice for all, a belief that all men are created equal, and a belief that a nation founded on the rule of law rather than the law of men would be a unique nation. via George Leckie, in George Washington’s War.

It was Abraham Lincoln, another exceptional leader, who is legendary for overcoming his numerous failures, financial and personal setbacks and political defeats to become the most remembered and respected presidents in U.S. history, credited for the abolition of slavery and keeping these United States from dividing in two.

I could go on and on with similar stories. The point is that the only failure that is fatal is the one that you let keep you down.

The Power of the Approval Trap

Exceptional Leaders rewrite the negative scripts that could leave them feeling beaten down and defeated.

Even the people who were fortunate enough to have positive and loving parents or guardians in their lives, who never made a comment that was misinterpreted by them to mean they were dumb, stupid or incapable, went through puberty. Few were fortunate enough to escape the terror of zits, crooked teeth, demeaning nicknames, wearing the unacceptable outfit, the outdated brand, or the embarrassment of our family. It is simply far too easy to learn that "I'm not okay unless they approve of me." Of course “they” can be anyone from classmates, teachers, parents, friends, and can grow to include colleagues, bosses, spouses and children.

It is true that approval from others can certainly shape our behavior. To demonstrate this, a professor divided his class in to three groups. Each group was given an assignment to get their rats through the maze as fast as possible. When giving the instructions to the students, he told the first group that their rats had been of really low genetic qualities and wished them luck. The second group was told that their rats were your average run of the mill barn rats. The third group was told that their rats were bred for exceptionally high intelligence. The results of the experiment are as you imagined. Those exceptional rats completed the maze in record time, far better that of the other two groups. It was only after the experiment was complete that the professor confessed to the students that there was no difference in their rats. The only difference was the perception of those conducting the experiment.

I believe something similar holds true for people. It is true that the approval or even the perception or judgment of others, especially leaders, can shape our behavior. There is usually just enough truth to some of these negative messages that come our way that we fall for them and become trapped in them. This kind of negative conditioning is an easy and destructive trap to fall into. However, exceptional leaders do not allow such messages to form the basis of their self-image and keep them a prisoner to their mistakes and failures. They take a more objective look at themselves. Yes, they realize they make mistakes from time to time. They may even experience failure. However, they also have successes and they chose to learn from both. This may be what keeps them both humble as well as optimistic.

Additionally, these Exceptional Leaders realize that the perceptions they hold of others can have an incredible impact on how they see themselves and how they perform. Exceptional leaders view others from their strengths, their potential and their capabilities, often seeing them as even more capable than they see themselves. They challenge them to do beyond what they believe they can. More often than not the people they lead rise to the occasion, often surprising themselves, and even more grateful that an Exceptional Leader believed in them and challenged them to excel.

Exceptional Leaders Remain Optimistic

Exceptional Leaders have learned to avoid the inundation of negative messages.

To hear local or national daily news of any community or nation, one would be afraid to make any of them their home. We have bad news coming at us from all over the world 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, with everyone and their cousin feeling the need to report the crud they see or hear about. It has now become common place for people to capture the sensational and post it online for the world to view. It is enough to lead even the most optimistic people to depression and to make the rest want to find a place to hide until it is all over. I am sure that I don’t have to reiterate the statistics here about the regular diet of sex, violence, murder, rape, and general depravity that is served up on your television or the internet on a daily basis.

When was the last time you tuned in to the News in your local community and heard about all the good things that are happening, the thousands of dollars individuals and local businesses have given to charity, the hundreds of volunteers that have recently served the needs in your community, or the larger and smaller acts of kindness that a performed by members of your community every day? Unfortunately, in our voyeuristic society, good news seldom sells.

Have you noticed that Exceptional Leaders spend little time filling their minds with the negative messages that are thrown at them from all corners of the earth? They likely keep up with current affairs, news related to their business, community or industry and possibly a few items of personal interest such as sports and entertainment. However, they do not allow themselves to be inundated by the plethora of negativity that can be so destructive. Instead, they focus on the things they can control and embrace the things that lead them to the outcomes they desire. They actually go out and create good news, such as jobs and opportunities. And they refuse to allow the negative messages around them to keep them from moving forward in a positive direction. The following story was given to me by a Wal-Mart Executive, and serves as a reminder of the power of buying into negativity.


The Man Who Sold Hot Dogs
There was a man who lived by the side of the road and sold hot dogs.
He was hard of hearing so he had no radio.
He had trouble with his eyes, so he read no newspapers.
But he sold good hot dogs.
He put up signs on the highway telling how good they were.
He stood on the side of the road and cried: "Buy a hot dog, Mister?"
And people bought.
He increased his meat and bun orders.
He bought a bigger stove to take care of his trade.
He finally got his son home from college to help him out.
But then something happened.
His son said, "Father, haven't you been listening to the radio?
Haven't you been reading the newspapers?
There's a big depression.
The European situation is terrible.
The domestic situation is worse."
Whereupon the father thought, "Well, my son's been to college, he reads the papers and he listens to the radio, and he ought to know."
So the father cut down on his meat and bun orders, took down his advertising signs, and no longer bothered to stand out on the highway to sell his hot dogs.
And his hot dog sales fell almost overnight. "You're right, son," the father said to the boy. "We certainly are in the middle of a great depression."

You are in Charge

Those early events in my life marked the begining of my personal reformation. I am grateful every day for these things that put me on a new path, even the tough things that led me to this discovery in the first place. It was these events that allowed me to break free from the negative conditioning in my life. I shudder when I consider what might have been had I not had these encounters, had I never stepped out of my comfort zone, had I never discovered God's grace, had I never launched on these reconditioning exercises. If you are battling the chains from your past that have you trapped in a perception of yourself as inconsequential or as a failure, don’t give in. Whatever the events are that have shaped you to this point; they can be countered and reshaped to a healthier and more objective perspective. Don’t let these negative Strong-Ties become a Strong-Holds for you.

The tendency to view life as hopeless and without solutions is tempting. As frustrating as this negativity is, sometimes it is much easier than the change that will be required to break free. It is often easier just to accept a fatalist point of view. Once we acquire a “no control" perception of the events in our lives, we tend to lable future events as unavoidable, inescapable, and beyond our ability to influence. When we give up and come to the conclusion that we have no control, that we cannot change, it is then that we are doomed to a life of mediocrity. On the other hand, when we begin to see life as something we have control over, a place where we can make choices, even if they are small ones, we are well on our way to success.

Dr. Neil Miller at Yale once conducted an experiment to show the power of negative conditioning. He placed two rats in cages that were wired with electrical current. Rat #1 had a lever to shut off the current for both cages. Rat #2 had no control over what happened to himself or the other rat. It turned out that Rat #1, given the ability to manipulate the lever suffered no adverse effects of the stress. He absorbed the stress in ways that did not compromise either health or longevity. Rat #2, on the other hand, suffered immensely, with negative effects on the reproductive system and a compromised immune system. When electricity jolted the cages massive hormones were released in both rats. However, after Rat #1 learned he could stop the electrical current, his stress level would rise, but quickly return to normal. Not so with Rat #2. The current sent Rat #2’s adrenal hormones sailing upward and they never returned to normal, even when current was turned off. Stress became distress. The rat was overwhelmed with a sense of helplessness, even to the point of becoming physicaly and psychologically distressed.

The good news is that you are not a rat in a cage who has no control of the events of your life, or the manner in which you will respond to those events. You have been created with a free will. Yes, you may have had experiences in your life that have conditioned you to think negatively about yourself and your abilities, but you can change how you will think about the events how you will respond to them. You can become an exceptional leader, and that is not just a mess of positive pop psychology. That is the truth. And you have heard about the truth, haven't you. I understand it will set you free.

Getting Started - Breaking Free

I didn't grow up with a very positive image of myself, and being the youngest of three, I certainly didn't see myself as a leader. My father was a good man, but not very adept at the skills of helping a young boy develop confidence. In fact, I can actually remember the one time my father told me that I had done a good job. I was probably eight years old, and I was thrilled at his postive feedback about my accomplishments. In addition to the lack of positive feedback from my father, I grew up in a church that taught that you could never be too sure whether God loved you. If you were good enough, then you might slip by the burning fires of hell and into heaven. Well, I knew I wasn't very good, so I was sure I must be damned.

I thought the best thing for me was to get away from home as early as possible and to begin charting my own course in life. At eighteen years of age I enrolled in my denomination's version of seminary in order to study the Word and become a preacher. I wanted to help others “slip by” the coming damnation.

Four things happened to me in the following five years that changed the course of my life. One, I reconnected with my childhood sweetheart and we married. I was blown away that Terry would chose me. I still believe that I married up and am grateful every day that she is still the love of my life. I have probably learned more about love and grace from her than from any other source. In fact, her love and forgiveness are experiences of grace that continue to help me more fully understand God's unconditional love.

Secondly, I met my father-in-law, who believed I could do anything he thought I could. He constantly encouraged me to be positive and step out of my comfort zone. He pushed me to speak, teach and lead, and I stepped up. That push was all I needed to get started pushing myself.

Thirdly, those years in seminary and a short time in Vancouver planting a church forced me further into God’s word as I tried to figure out how to understand how that “fire insurance gospel” could be the "good news" of the scriptures and good news to the unchurched people I was trying to reach. It was there that God revealed to me the meaning of His grace and unconditional love for us all. This was the most important of all these events, but the fourth one had a different kind of significant impact.

The fourth thing that happened is relatively small and seemingly insignificant. A real estate agent, whose name I cannot even remember gave me a set of tapes recorded by Zig Ziglar, entitled, How to Stay Motivated. Since Ziglar's teachings were peppered with references to the Bible I listened with great interest. The one thing he taught that has stuck with me through the years is, "You are who you are and where you are because of what has gone into your mind. And you can change who you are and where you are by changing what goes into your mind." Those words reminded me of the words of Jesus who said, "As a man thinks in his heart, so is he." That is when I set my course on changing what goes into my mind. I learned that I am not helpless and life is not hopeless. I have since become a life long learner, reader and student of God's Word and of human and organizational behavior. I have surrounded myself at every opportunity with great leaders and teachers. I have studied and observed them. I have made it my purpose to continuously improve my leadership skills so I can help others do the same.

I know there are great leaders today who have life experiences much more difficult and challenging than mine. Watching these leaders and realizing my personal experiences gives me confidence that it is possible for anyone who aspires to be an exceptional leader to break free from the chains of the past and become the exceptional leader they envision.