I Learn to Believe What I Hear Myself Say 3

You may be asking why I am spending so much time discussing this statement. I do so because I believe it to be foundational to exceptional leadership. It forms the basis for your personal development and for the coaching you will provide to those you lead.

Now that you understand the reality and power of Self-Talk, it is critical that you come to a point that you begin to master it. That may be easier said than done. The problem is that our self-talk is so automatic and convincingly true in our own minds that we seldom think to challenge it. But we have already demonstrated that our self-talk is not always true. It is often an emotional reaction to an event, or a biased perspective not based in fact. In fact, our self-talk can be outright lies we have become convinced to be truth. All of these result in the emotions that often form the foundation of our responses. Without analyzing or challenging your self-talk you will tend to have be more reactive than you are to have an appropriate response.

It is so difficult to master control over our self-talk that I have produced a written exercise that has proven to be quite effective if practiced with discipline. I call it the Self-Talk Monitor. Some experts have actually created computer based training programs to guide people through this process. These tools have have proven very effective in the treatment of all kinds of emotional problems. This Self-Talk Monitor is designed as a written exercise because it requires discipline, repetition and regular practice to first convince us that we do it, and then lead us through the process to change it. Though normally laid out in a table format, I will just explain it here.


First of all, it is important to recognize that events, situations or problems do not cause emotions, as is so often thought to be the case. In other words, the fact that someone calls me a poor author (the event) does not result in my emotions of sadness, anger, or disappointment. The event simply triggers my self-talk, which can lead to any number of emotions. If I am vested in your approval, it may lead to the previously described emotional responses. If not, I may simply appreciate your feedback as constructive criticism for my own improvement.

The table we use ask participants to begin by analyzing their emotions first because when we feel anger, sadness, despair, or any other emotions we can usually track them back to a situation, event or personal interaction that led to them. Step one is to write down the emotion. Clearly state your feelings using words like, anger, frustration, rage, sadness, despair etc. Step 2 is to identify the action that followed the emotion. In the above example your comment about my authorship may have "made me" angry, resulting in my sending you a scathing e-mail defending myself. I use the quotations because you cannot actually make me angry. Step 3 is to identify the the situation, event or personal interaction that led to that emotion, i.e. your comment about my authorship.

Now that you have the emotion and situation that led to it identified, write down the self-talk that led you to experience this emotion (Step 4). Now, you will need to ask yourselves the following questions: “Is this how you wanted this to turn out?” “Is this how you want to feel?” “Is this feeling working for you in a productive way?” “Is this going to contribute to my success and effectiveness?” If your answer is “NO”, you’re ready to make some significant changes that will lead you to greater success and effectiveness.

The next step (Step 5) in this process is probably the most difficult. Remember, our self-talk is automatic. We don’t even give it much consideration. It happens so quickly that we don’t even recall that we had a conversation with ourselves. We just react to it with our emotions and behaviors. On top of this, we actually are in love our automatic self-talk. We believe it is accurate, truthful, and the best response to the situation at hand, so much so that it is difficult for us to challenge it. That is why it takes discipline, and sometimes coaching to come up with alternative self-talk. And it is this skill that separates the exceptional and successful from those who cannot get out of their rut of living a reactive life.

Speaking of “ruts”, there are some people who are so comfortable in their ruts that they have carpeted and furnished them, and have even invited the decorators in to spruce them up a bit. But that does not have to be the case with you.

The great thing about searching for alternative self-talk is that the options are wide open. It is kind of like brainstorming. Get creative and begin to consider other things that you could say to yourself that would lead to different emotions; other perspectives on the event that may be equally as true as your original one. The point is for you not to get locked into the destructive emotions and subseqent reaction. If your self-talk has been destructive, filled with cynicism, bitterness, obsessions with your failures and lack of effectiveness, you definitely have some work to do to break free from this destructive Strong-Hold.

I love what the Bible says on this subject: The Truth Will Set You Free, but that is a topic for another discussion.

I Learn to Believe What I Hear Myself Say 2

Part of my job as a counselor, coach, parent or supervisor is to help people recognize the self-talk that keeps them from positive progression, and to help them modify it for a different outcome, or to help them say out loud the things they need to hear from themselves, things that will motivate them and increase their confidence.

When one very distraught young lady called me she was so distraught that she could hardly stop crying. When she was finally able to talk I asked what had upset her so. To my surprise, she said “I had a flat tire.” Now I know flat tires can be inconvenient, frustrating and upsetting, but I don’t think I had ever known of someone being so upset because of one. She wasn’t quite suicidal, but she was certainly feeling hopeless and helpless, and leaning in that direction.

I asked her what it was about the flat tire that had caused this level of distress. She told me that she had missed work for a couple days for personal reasons that she described as “life and relationships not going well”, and was heading to back to work on a cold and snowy morning. When she got to her car, she noticed she had a flat, and when she checked her trunk, she also became aware that she didn’t have a jack in the car, and really didn’t even know how to change a tire. She said she had been a bit of an emotional mess lately and just wanted to call me to let me that she was going to quit her job.

I asked her if she had spoken to her supervisor yet, and she said she had not. Stop and think about this just for a moment. Why do you think she had not called her boss? You’re right! She said she didn’t think he would believe her; that he would think she was just making another excuse to miss work. She was convinced that he would probably think she was a lazy 'good-for-nothing' and that he would likely fire her for being late again. I asked her if her supervisor had ever treated her as poorly, and she said he had not. I asked if she was aware of him having treated anyone else as poorly, and she said that she was not aware of any examples of such treatment of others either. I said, “Wow, you’ve concluded your supervisor is going to be a jerk, but have no basis for that conclusion.” I also told her that her assumptions about him may be accurate, but right now all this frustration and negative emotion is based on what she was saying to her self and not based on facts or experience. I went on to suggest to her that she had talked herself into an emotional frenzy and even into quitting a perfectly good job. She reluctantly agreed that this is exactly what she had done.

I asked if she would try something for me, and, though a little reluctant, she agreed. I asked her to call her supervisor and tell him what had happened. I went on to tell her that either way, she wins. If he turns out to be a jerk, she wouldn’t want to work with him anyway, and she can go ahead and quit. If he turns out to be different, she may save herself the trouble of starting all over again. I also asked her to call me back and let me know how things worked out.

The next day she calls and begins the conversation by telling me that the company she worked for was the best in the world and her supervisor had to be the very best person she had ever worked for. Wow, what a difference 24 hours makes! She told me that he responded with a lot of concern when she told him what had happened. She said that he even asked one of her coworkers to go pick her up and bring her to work. Her coworker not only gave her a ride to work, but he also helped her get the tire changed and fixed. She could hardly believe it. The rest of our conversation was a discussion of how to manage the self-talk that leads to destructive emotions. She was all ears.

The next time you are frustrated, check your own Self-Talk. As an Exceptional Leader, be aware that most of the emotion you encounter from your employees is a result of their self-talk. Some of it may be true, some of it not. Part of your job may be to help them sort out the difference.

I Learn to Believe what I Hear Myself Say - 1

The following story drives home the power of Self-Talk. It is a story entitled "The Scriptwriter" which first appeared in Gavin DeBecker's book The Gift of Fear. I ran across this after attending a Workplace Violence Prevention training session with Gavin.

A man driving along a remote stretch of highway gets a flat tire. Preparing to put on the spare, he realizes he does not have a jack to raise the car. Far in the distance he sees lights of some small farmhouse and begins the long walk to borrow a jack. It is getting dark, and as he walks along, we worries that the people will be reluctant to help him.
“They’ll probably refuse to even answer the door, or worse still, pretend they’re not home,” he thinks. “I’ll have to walk another mile to the next house, and they’ll say they don’t want to open the door and that they don’t have a jack anyway. When I finally get somebody to talk to me, they’ll want me to convince them I’m not some criminal, and if they agree to help me, which is doubtful, they’ll want to keep my wallet so I don’t run off with their stupid jack. What’s wrong with these people? Are they so untrusting that they can’t even help a fellow citizen? Would they have me freeze to death out here?”
By this point he has reached the first house. Having worked himself into a virtual stage of rage, he bangs on the door, thinking to himself, “They better not try to pretend there’s no one home, because I can hear the TV.”
After a few seconds, a pleasant woman opens the door wide and asks with a smile, “Can I help you?”
He yells back at her, “I don’t want your help and I wouldn’t take your lousy jack if you gift wrapped it for me!”

The story is easy to identify with, and can even be humorous. In the context of what Gavin DeBecker is addressing, it can also lead a person to even more destructive or violent behavior. Actually, we all engage in Self-Talk, whether we take time to recognize it or not. Unfortunately, Self-Talk is what keeps so many people trapped in their current situation, stuck in their depression, or marooned on an island of mediocrity. On the other hand, Self-Talk is what leads others to see opportunity where many see only obstacles, and others to rejoice in what may be viewed as the most devastating circumstances. The good news is that we have power to chose our own Self-Talk, which will be a subject of a separate discussion. In the mean time, take a moment to slow down and ask yourself, "What was it I just said to myself?"

Example of Exceptional Leadership

I just read the cover story of the September 27th issue of Fortune Magazine about Mike Duke, CEO of Wal-Mart Stores, Inc. First of all, I was glad that Mike was spotlighted in the manner in which he was. I know him personally through various interactions at Wal-Mart when he was leading the logistics division and I was leading Resources for Living; and through interactions in our community and through our church where we attend together, and where he is most frequently seen serving as a "door greeter" welcoming people to the worship services. Secondly, I was impressed with Brian O'Keefe, the editor of the story, who did an exceptional job of highlighting the qualities and characteristics of what it takes to be an Exceptional Leader of such a one-of-a-kind company. Qualities like discipline, work ethic, focus, determination, humility, attention to details, capacity for making tough decisions about the direction of the company and about getting the right people in the right place. If you haven't already done so, I would encourage you to read the article with pen in hand, and identify the qualities of exceptional leadership demonstrated by Mike. If you don't have a copy close by, just click on the title of this blog and it will link you to the article on Fortune's site.

The article also mentioned a few things that may be easy to pass over too quickly, things that are crucial to Mike's capacity for exceptional leadership. Mike grew up in a small community in Georgia where a great deal of life was centered around his small church, his family and his community. I believe these are a few of the things that have helped form his personal faith, his core values and his commitment to the values-based culture that continues to permeate Wal-Mart today.

I have a tremendous appreciation for Wal-Mart. I have enjoyed working with them directly, supporting their leaders and Associates through Resources for Living, and providing leadership and team development programs for various groups through my work with the Soderquist Center for Leadership and Ethics. They have been a part of my life and livelihood for over 20 years. I cannot help but believe that the company is in good hands to continue to add value to the lives of its nearly 3 Million employees, and to the hundreds of millions of shoppers who will benefit from them every year. I believe I can confidently say that Sam would be proud.

People Buy with Emotions and Justify with Facts

While attending a recent session on category management for the consumer products industry, I was reminded of the title statement above that has been the basis for one of the leadership development programs that I have conducted over the years. Consumer Product Companies have known the truth of this axiom for years. In fact, significant dollars have been dedicated to the development of technology that can actually track the eye movements and brain activity of shoppers as they look at products on store shelves so they can actually know what catches the greatest interest of the shopper. The speaker at this recent session explained several things, such as the customer experience or other personal factors that lead to psychological or somatic reactions that reinforce a decision to buy or not to buy a product or shop at a particular store.

The truth of this axiom is also the reason retailers have "impulse items" at the cash register, and "Action Alley" in the most heavily travelled area of the stores. Though I seldom shop, I confess that periodically I fall victim to this method of marketing, especially if Mars has been fortunate enough to get the shelf space to feature Peanut M&Ms near the cash register. I would never go through the store to find and buy these, because my weight management program clearly states that I don't need them. However, when I see that yellow package with all those lovely little colored morsels appealing to me while I am standing idly at the check-out line, I begin to justify that purchase with all kinds of rationalizations, one of which is "no one will ever know I just downed the whole bag."

What does this have to do with exceptional leadership? Exceptional Leaders are aware that their employees are doing this same thing every day as they develop their perceptions of them as leaders. They are also aware that they don't have complete control over where their employees come up with these perceptions. So go ahead and ask yourself, Where do my employees gain their perceptions of me as a leader? This question is especially critical the higher you sit in the organizational hierarchy, or if you hold a role that only allows your presence among those you lead on a periodic basis. Some of the answers you may come up with may be things like: from direct observation, whether that is through daily interactions or brief vignettes gathered as you make your rounds or meet them on the shop floor; from stories told to them by other employees; from their experience with past managers or leaders; from their relationships with previous authority figures in their lives, including their parents.

Think about this for a moment. A new employee is hired in your 300 employee operation. You met them at new hire orientation, but you really did not get to know them well. Since they don't know anyone in the organization very well, they tend to gravitate to the people who happen to be the most friendly toward them. That may or may not be a good thing for you, depending on that person's perception of you as a leader. (by the way, that is why a formal on-boarding process is important) If that person has a negative perception of you and shares it with the new employee, the new employee has a choice. Do I trust this new "friend" who has shown good taste by being friendly to me, or do I trust you. Most will put you in a "wait and see" category. They will then wait for the facts to justify the observation they are most emotionally inclined to. If, on the next day, you quickly pass them in the hall on your way to a meeting and you come across as too busy to notice them, which perception has just been reinforced?

Exceptional leaders work extra hard to keep a pulse on the organization and spend considerable time managing their communications. They know they are under constant observation and are aware their interactions are helping people develop their perceptions of the company leadership as well as of the company as a whole. They are intentional about ensuring that they leave people with the right message.

The literature on emotional intelligence (EQ) calls this social awareness and relationship management, and has proven that it is critical to a leader's success. The example above is just one example of how these two factors of EQ can be applied.

Exceptional Leaders are Self-Motivated

Exceptional Leaders don’t wait for others to motivate them.

Did you ever notice that the word “motivation” appears to be the combination of to words, “motive” and “action”? In other words, "Motivation" is your “motive for action”. There are two types of motivation, internal and external. External motivation includes things like praise, rewards, fear, recognition and approval. These are definitely motivators, but over time they need to be constantly sweetened in order to maintain their appeal.

You don’t want to be like the old boy back home who owned the farm. He and his wife worked the farm together every day. They would get up early to go out to do their chores for the day. It took both of them to keep the farm productive, and it served them well and provided a decent income.

One morning the old boy woke up and was not feeling well. He couldn’t even get out of bed. When his wife came in to ask him why he hadn’t gotten out of bed, he told her, “I ain’t feeling right pert today, sweetie. I guess you’ll have to do the chores without me today.” Well as soon as she completed the chores she got him up and took him into town to see the doctor, who looked him over thoroughly. The doctor then asked him to leave the room while he spoke to the wife. He told her that her husband was in pretty bad shape, but he thought they could save him, if she would do just three things. Well she was eager to know what those three things were, so the doctor told her that first, she would have to cook him three meals every day. Secondly, he told her she would have to wait on him hand and foot. And finally he told her she would have to bow to his every need. She asked the doctor, What will happen if I don't do those three things?" The doctor said, “Well, he’ll likely die.”

When she went back to the waiting room to see her husband, he anxiously asked, “Well, what did the doctor say?” She responded, “The doctor said you’ll likely die.”

The moral of the story is that you cannot always count on external motivators to keep you going. That being the case, it may be wise to consider the alternative, which is to develop internal motivators that are within your control, things like attitudes, beliefs, assumptions, interpretations and paradigms. Some of these are so long held that they are not easily evaluated. However, the truth is, any particular belief or attitude that you hold can shape the way you filter and interpret all incoming information, and can be changed. For example, in the 1960s the words “Made in Japan” stood for cheap trinkets that would not last. The early automobiles imported from Japan validated these beliefs. It took several years with above average performance before consumers shifted their belief. Today the automobiles and other products made in Japan are the epitome of quality.

The same goes for perceptions or beliefs you hold about yourself or others. If you see yourself as a failure, you are likely to call up all instances that reinforce this belief, and will continue to project that outcome on future situations, such that you convince yourself of your inability to succeed. You will likely hear other’s comments and evaluations of your work as reinforcement of your preconceived ideas of failure. When this is the case you will find yourself in a perpetual cycle of self-destruction that will keep you from ever achieving success.

However, those beliefs and interpretations are simply that. They are not necessarily accurate, nor do they have to lock you in to your current situation. You can change the beliefs. You can reinterpret and reframe the events in your life. You can break free from the old paradigm and can adopt new assumptions that will serve to motivate you rather than discourage and defeat you. It will take a new discipline of healthier self-talk, but it can be done.

Exceptional Leaders: Driven or Courageous?

It is easy to look at a successful leader and conclude that they are driven. The truth is many are. They haven’t come to grips with the demons from their past and are actually on a race to outrun them or prove them wrong by demonstrating that they actually are something while deeply inside thinking they actually are not much. This type of "drivenness" has led to some forms of success for many people, but not the success that we will speak of more fully in this space, which is a success that is more than making it to the top of the corporate ladder or the money list.

I am reminded of a little book entitled, Hope for the Butterflies, by Trina Paulus, that was given me early in my career by a friend who was well on his way toward achieving what most of us would define as success. It describes the life of caterpillars, those lowly, fuzzy little creatures that really don’t have much going for them, except to get ahead of the other caterpillars in pursuit of "success". It is clear in the book that even these little creatures that are out front in this race to the top have this disturbing intuition that there must be more to life than this. The book concludes by reminding us that these little guys only achieve what they were designed for when they step out of the mad pursuit and relax a little. To their amazement once they stepped away from the constant striving they wake up significantly different than when they went to sleep.

When it comes right down to it most of us want success that includes much more than the rat race to the top of the heap. In the past few years, we have witnessed many leaders tumble from the top, only to be swallowed up by the recession and the personal meltdowns that accompanied it. Exceptional leaders have courageously stepped back from the rat race and have clearly defined success that includes multiple dimensions of their lives, including home, family, health, fitness, faith, peace, friends, finances and community. Once success is clearly defined, they work diligently to make choices that lead to the achievement of their goals. Do they work hard? You bet they do! And they make hard choices every day. They also know that their hard work is likely to pay off in the areas that mean the most to them. And if they happen to experience a failure in one area, the balance they have achieved will often serve to sustain them until they get back on their feet.